TNG Bar Reviews: Get Your Drink On

Here is the TNG list of DC Bar Reviews, listed alphabetically:


9:30 Club: HIGHLY RECOMMENDED

The biggest non-stadium venue in the district, the 9:30 club has the best local schedule of high-profile shows. In the last year alone the club has hosted Air, Megadeth, The Roots, and Donovan, guaranteeing that a wide range of age groups, musical tastes and scenes will find something of interest there. The underutilized downstairs bar is a good place to avoid the upstairs drink lines. (Zack)

Apex:

The last big gay dance club in the District, Apex is notable for its Thursday college night (get in free with a student ID) and the ease with which you can get a hand job on the dance floor. Apex is mostly a weekend spot and on Friday and Saturdays the line to get in can be substantial. Karaoke fans can indulge themselves on Thursdays through Saturdays in the upstairs lounge. (Zack)

Bachelors Mill:

The Mill is a gay bar catering to African-American men. It is located in Capitol Hill and is known for a friendly atmosphere, cheap drinks, and good house music. The Mill has drag shows on Wednesdays and Sundays, and disco night on Fridays. It's also the only bar I've ever gone to where there were people playing cards alongside a packed dance floor. It received some well-needed repairs last year, but I hear its lost some of its soul and diversity. TNG needs to check it out before recommending. (Ben)

Banana Cafe: RECOMMENDED

Banana Cafe is a restaurant in Capitol Hill that serves Cuban, Mexican and Puerto Rican cuisine. It has a piano bar upstairs that draws an older gay crowd. The food is good, but don't go for the piano bar thinking that you will meet anyone under 50. (Ben)

BeBar: RECOMMENDED

Paradoxically innovative and staid at the same time, BeBar gets frustratingly close to being the new kind of D.C. gay bar that it claims to be. BeBar takes many risks- it battled conservative zoning boards to be the first gay bar in Shaw, offers "frequent drinking miles" to customers who sign up for its rewards card, and throws many theme nights like a 4Her ladies night and a BeBad fetish night. Unfortunately, BeBar lives and dies by its music selection. BeBar is most fun when they eschew nameless techno remixes for actual fun pop, rock and dance songs. The one thing BeBar consistently gets right is its function as a neighborhood watering hole. The crowd is one of the friendliest in the district and at least one of the owners is usually out hobnobbing with the customers. (Zack)

Black Cat: HIGHLY RECOMMENDED

A popular spot for all sorts, but mostly hipsters, indie-kids and new gays. Black Cat has a smaller main stage than the 9:30 club and usually hosts bands that are either up and coming or too under-the-radar to make it at the bigger venue. Black cat is also notable for its dance nights. In addition to regular vs. parties (i.e. Prince vs. Outkast, Duran Duran vs. New Order,) the mainstage hosts Mousetrap, a well-attended britpop dance night. Downstairs, behind the East Village-esque Red Room Bar, a back stage hosts less popular, but still fun, bands and dance nights. (Zack)

Blowoff: HIGHLY RECOMMENDED

This creation of Bob Mould and Richard Morel began humbly, many years ago at the Velvet Lounge on U Street. Now, it's a once a month party that draws a couple thousand gay men to the 9:30 Club. Blowoff is marketed as a party for the leather/levi manly-man crowd, but you see a good mix from every part of the gay white male community, and the music is usually great, as Mould and Morel DJ the event themselves. This is also one of the few places in DC where a large section of the crowd dances with their shirts off, if you're into that sort of thing. (Ben)

Club Chaos: CLOSED

Step into Chaos on a Wednesday night and you will be immediately disabused of any false notions that lesbians are boring and don't like sex. Chaos is a reliable hookup spot for hot lesbians and the hot gay boys that love them. The music is reliable top-40, the drink lines are long, the air conditioner never seems to be working, and the dancers show titty. Chaos is a blast, just don't come sober. (Zack)

Cobalt: OVER IT

If you looked up "under-35 gay bar" in the encyclopedia, there would be a picture of Cobalt. Downstairs is a lounge with some couches, some high tables, and at least one very friendly bartender. (Raven, The New Gay Loves you.) Upstairs is a dimly lit pickup room with a dance floor and a stage. Basically, you meet your men downstairs and you take them upstairs to make out. The music on both floors is usually the aural equivalent of cheap lube: It performs a function (background noise), but that's all its good for.

Cobalt is best on Thursday nights. A two-dollar drink special draws a big crowd by 11 o'clock and there are always guaranteed to be a couple cute guys included in the mix. Upstairs on Thursdays is a popular underwear contest, where guys who don't know better (this blogger included) parade around in man-panties for a $150 cash prize (which this blogger won.) (Zack)

Addendum: Any good points about Cobalt (and there are several) are overwhelmed by the sheer awfulness of the weekend music. (Ben)

Crack: HIGHLY RECOMMENDED

Gay perfomance art/talent show which happens every three months or so. Unlike most other gay or gay friendly events, Crack is a mix of drag acts, cabaret, burlesque and thinly veiled excuses for nudity. (Zack)

DC9: RECOMMENDED
A dive with a spectacular jukebox and a mixed-sexuality clientele, DC9 doesn't usually get packed unless a special event (like Crack, Taint or a band) draws in a crowd. Though the opening of a gay sports bar next door will likely increase homo traffic, DC9 works best as a place to grab a booth with friends and get drunker than you planned. (Zack)

Delta Elite: TPD-REVIEW PENDING

Ah, Delta Elite. I hesitate to write about this club because I haven't been there in a few years because no one will go with me, and I don't have a car. Delta Elite is a black club in far away Northeast that (as I remember it from my frequent trips of long ago) has the best house music in town, generous drinks, 2 dancefloors (house on top, hip/hop on bottom), and a short-order restaurant that serves fried chicken. The clientele is more "thug" than Bachelor's Mill, but I've never had an issue being one of the few (sometimes only) white faces in attendance. I want to return as soon as I find a friend who isn't afraid of black people. (Ben)

DIK Bar: RECOMMENDED

The preferred pseudonym of the Dupont Italian Kitchen will seem familiar to anyone who has seen Albert Brooks' "Defending Your Life." A sort of gay limbo, DIK Bar is a completely unoffensive watering hole for the post-cobalt set. A reliable Italian restaurant takes up the first floor and the upstairs karaoke bar, whose light wood paneling suggests your grandparent's den, is a fun place to watch guys in striped polos belt Journey tunes. This bar was once called "Windows", and many still call it "Widows" for short, considering the clientele. (Zack)

1409 Playbill Cafe: RECOMMENDED

This is an "actors" bar. In other words, it's gay as a goose. Located near the Studio Theatre, it's a great place to get a drink before or after a performance. The food is decent and inexpensive, the drinks are well priced, the staff is very friendly, and they have a popular and fun karaoke night where you can see area actors cravenly fight for your attention. (Ben)

Fox and Hounds: HIGHLY RECOMMENDED

A straight-friendly enclave in the heart of 17th street, Fox is a good compromise bar for girls who want to at least lay eyes on straight men and guys that can't stomach another night at The Big Hunt. It's chief draw is a huge outdoor patio and the people-watching that comes with it. Conversation flows freely between tables so you can expect to meet some drunk new friends. The Fox is also known for their generous pours. (Zack)

Freddie's Beach Bar: RECOMMENDED (ZACK) HELL NO (BEN)

The lone spot of culture, gay or otherwise, in Crystal City. Freddie's is well worth its long metro ride for its Karaoke and its enthusiastic crowd. I did karaoke here once and I had a drink bought for me, my ass grabbed, and a five dollar bill put in my underpants. This is one of the few reasons to go to Virginia. (Zack)

I hate this bar. The food is terrible, the service awful, and it's in Virginia. (Ben)

Green Lantern: HIGHLY RECOMMENDED

Located in a back alley off Thomas Circle, The Green Latrine fits the '70s throwback image of a dark, sweaty sleaze joint and is all the more fun for it. The overwhelmingly older, quasi-bear, quasi-leather clientelle is actually quite nice and most guys will be able to find someone here to suit their taste, unless their taste is overwhelmingly preppy or clean cut. Saturday nights men in their underwear drink free for an hour, which is a great way to both get buzzed and get cruised. Word of warning: winning the underwear contest here requires sporting and displaying a boner, so if back hair and beards don't get you going you might want to sit this competition out. (Zack)

Halo:

Appropriately named. Its not that the patron's here are particularly angelic, but an unspoken "collars-only" policy means that everyone has something encircling their heads. Halo's two-for-one happy hour tends to make everyone comfortable, but but otherwise this is strictly the province of the professional. A self-segregated bar, halo's black customers tend to stay downstairs while the white drinkers occupy the second story. (Zack)


JR's:

Widely nicknamed "the Gay Cheers," everyone here may not know your name, but they are all looking at your ass. The homiest of 17th street bars, JR's is located in an absurdly narrow townhouse towards the bottom of gay 17th street. The crowd here is a good mix of ages and ethnic groups whose attention will divided evenly between their friends, the fellow patrons, and a number of video screens. JR's is best on Sunday afternoons, when a surprisingly drunk crowd gathers to end the weekend, and for Wednesday trivia night. (Zack)

L'Enfant Cafe: RECOMMENDED

A French restaurant with a wide selection of Belgian Beers and Crepes, L'Enfant is a good respite from the greasier bars toward the top of 18th street. Sunday nights at L'enfant is Dimaunchery, a low-key gay night where iPod DJ's get to play their own music and get in one final heffewiezen before the beginning of the work week. (Zack)

Nellie's: RECOMMENDED (will lose recommended status soon as newness wears off, due to the overpriced drinks)

A sports bar? For gay people? That actually plays sports? That aren't, like, ice skating and watersports? And they play good music? And they have this really big outdoor deck that overlooks U Street? And the drinks are way overpriced but a lot of people come there anyway? And you can bring your straight friends and they won't be uncomfortable? It's true! The drink prices keep people from making a night of it, but it's a good venue. (Zack and Ben)

Omega:

Formerly "The Frat House", this is a bar hidden in the alley behind APEX/Mimi's on P Street. Omega caters to a 35+ crowd. It had the typical drag show/shirtless drink free/thump thump thump thing going, but my favorite aspect is the porn room, a stable like area within another room, where you can watch men as they watch 4 screens of porn. How meta. (Ben)

Remington's: HIGHLY RECOMMENDED

The only gay cowboy/country-western bar in the district is highly recommended. The bar is spacious, the dance floor (which isn't) is a whirl-wind of two-stepping good times, the drink prices are great, and the clientele is the friendliest in town. Karaoke takes place a couple of nights a week and there are fun dance lessons during the week at 8pm, for anyone who wants to learn how to two-step or line dance. The clientele adheres to a chivalrous code at Remingtons, and it's common for a gentleman to approach and ask for a dance for the sake of a dance. My suggestion is that if you are asked, take them up on it and have a great time. (Ben)


Rock and Roll Hotel:

Very similar to the Black Cat, but in a barely gentrified neighborhood that you have to take a cab to. Bar upstairs, bands downstairs. Acts are a mix between little-known local and regional shows and well-known bands like "The Walkmen" and "Clap Your Hands Say Yeah." (Zack)

Speakeasy DC: RECOMMENDED

Speakeasy is a non-profit organization that hosts a monthly storytelling event at various locations around DC. Anyone can tell a story, you just need to sign-up and show up for your 7 minutes of stage-time. There are usually two featured storytellers who anchor the show, and 5-6 open mic storytellers, many of whom are often first-timer presenters. The crowds have grown large in recent months, often with crowds topping 300 people. The crowd is highly supportive and well-mannered, the stories are often fantastic, and Gay storytellers and themes are often prominent. (Ben)

Saint Ex: OVER IT

The Jekyll and Hyde of 14th street, St. Ex provides two completely different experience based on when you go. Sunday through Thursday is functions as a quiet neighborhood bar, ideal for grabbing a table and chatting with friends. Friday and Saturday, though, all manners of woo girls and striped-shirters descend into the crowded basement to make the place hot, cramped, and reeking of breeder genitalia. Weekends are redeemed by good music and one awesome bartender (Dave, you know the New Gay Loves you). St. Ex can still be a pleasant place to either begin or end your night. (Zack)

TAINT HIGHLY RECOMMENDED

The brainchild of gay dynamic duo Karl Jones and Danny Fowler, Taint is the pre-eminent electro/indie dance party for the alt-queer set. It takes place once a month at DC-9, always on a holiday weekend when able. While the music varies depending on the DJ (some consider it feast or famine) and sometimes it gets too packed and dark to meet new people, it's still the best place in town to meet other "NewGays".


Coming soon, TNG's take on: DC Eagle, Fab Lounge, Larry's Lounge, and Phase 1