An Open Letter to the Men at My Gym

Have you ever noticed that a trip through your gym's locker room can be more exhausting than the actual workout that proceeded it? I happen to go to a gym with a predominantly gay male clientele and you would not believe some of the things I've seen.

So to clear up some misconceptions and stop feeling like I've accidentally stepped into a bath house, here's an open letter to the men at my gym:

Dear Men at My Gym,

I know this locker room is filled with naked gay men in peak physical shape, but it is still a locker room. I am not getting naked here to show off, I am getting naked here because changing in the lobby would get my membership terminated. Please don't assume that the shedding of my dirty, crusty gym shorts in your presence is a come-on. And stop using mirrors to stare at me. I can still see you.

I know that, historically, certain saunas have been used for gay men to gather and have sex. This is not one of them. I am here to unwind after a workout, not to look for ass. Please do not "accidentally" let your penis point of your towel while sneaking sidelong glances at the men around you. Its not that we haven't noticed, bro, its just that we don't care.

I know that this locker room has individual showers, but they smell like farts and allow for malicious pranksters to jerk off into the conditioner. So instead I choose to use the group showers, but I use these purely for showering. If I notice that you have been showering for half an hour without even touching the soap, I will assume your intentions go behind personal hygiene. And if you're gonna look at my dick, at least try to do it so I won't notice. Did you notice all the times I looked at your dick? I didn't think so. I won't claim I have the willpower to not look at your dick, but at least I'll be discreet about it.

I know that the combination of post-workout endorphins and warm water might lead to some downstairs stirring, but the only appropriate reaction to an accidental semi is to face the wall, crank up the cold water and think about your grandpa until it goes away. The appropriate reaction is not to turn around and show everybody. If the gentleman I saw last week with the veiny, throbbing, fully tumid boner is reading this, I hope he is paying special attention. I really wasn't expecting to see that at 7:15 p.m. on a Wednesday.

I know that gay men often take pride in the dichotomy between their corporate, daytime self and their more carefree gay nightlives, but please let us find this out on our own. If you put on your shirt, tie and jacket before anything else, and then let your pierced dick flop around while you slooooowly search your locker for your underwear, I won't really be impressed. At best, I'll wonder if you can still pee standing up without it spraying everywhere.

Finally, I know that we are all in very close quarters when getting dressed at our lockers, but please be considerate in your small talk. Light flirtation becomes something else entirely if we're both naked, and emphatic touching should be kept to a bare minimum.

That is all.

Best,
TNG Zack