Am I My Brother's Keeper?
A friend of mine who spends a good deal of time on manhunt sent me this question, courtesy of Mike, their "cruise director." I'm curious if our readers agree with the doctor's prescription to this problem.
Should I Have Told My Negative Friend That He Was Going Home With A Positive Friend?
HIV caregivers say no—everyone's responsible for their own health. I say it depends on how close your friend is (and how much guilt you're willing to live with)?
Yo, Mike!
So, my friend "Dave" told me about a year ago that he is HIV positive. I'm not. I went clubbing with a different friend, "Steve", also negative, when we ran into Dave. Immediate sparks ignited between Dave and Steve.
I debated if I should say anything to Steve about Dave's HIV status but decided it was their business to discuss, not my own. They ended up going back to Dave's apartment. Apparently, Dave revealed his status to an unsuspecting Steve and those sparks were quickly extinguished.
Now, Steve is no longer speaking to me because he feels as though I should have said something sooner, so, as I suspect, he could have blown off Dave sooner. Which is sad. Both are great guys, and they could have missed out on getting to know someone really cool, or they could be missing out on some hot sex. Should I have told Steve about Dave's status? Or was I right to keep my trap shut?
-- Trapped in the middle
Dear Trapped:
Congratulations—you've won the "Most Difficult Question Ever Asked on MANHUNT" award. I've spent weeks thinking about your dilemma, changing my mind every 15 minutes, and getting splitting headaches in the bargain. In fact, I've been popping so much Ibuprofen, Advil sent me a thank you letter for propping up their stock.
I even called a couple of psychologists and counselors to see what they had to say. Here's the transcript of a conversation I had with one of them--the gay, and more importantly, hot, New York City-based psychologist, Dr. Brad Thomason:
Me: Was he right for keeping silent?
Doc: Yes. It isn't your responsibility to broadcast other people's medical conditions.
Me: But isn't it irresponsible to say nothing and take the risk that somebody you love might get infected?
Doc: People should take responsibility for their own health. Taken to its ultimate conclusion what you're saying is that you have the obligation to tell everybody who might sleep with "Dave" that he's positive.
Me: It's hard to disagree with what you're saying but I keep thinking, what's more important--keeping a friends' confidence or keeping a friend safe?
Doc: That's not the right question. The right question is who is responsible for your health—you or your friends?
Me: I take your point, but I don't think you're getting mine. Are we not our brother's keepers?
Doc: Yes, if those brothers are unable to take care of themselves. If they're mentally impaired, or demonstrably ignorant about HIV that's a different story.
Me: Or if they're so stupid they think it's possible to kill a fish by drowning it.
Doc: I'm going to ignore that. My point is that you're not the alarm system for fully functioning friends.
Me: What if they're drunk or high?
Doc: They made a choice to drink or use. Are you going to police that, too?
Me: Are you kidding? I'd be the one pouring!
So much for the transcript; here's my bottom line:
I would have told "Steve" that "Dave" was HIV+.
Why? When philosophy meets reality, logic flies out the window. If I'm asked to choose between an abstraction like personal responsibility and the well being of a close friend, I would rather be intellectually inconsistent than emotionally tortured. I'm not passing judgment on you because there are good arguments on both sides. The only person who needs a wake-up call is negative Steve. He gave up a night or maybe a life with an awesome guy just because he's HIV+? What a schmuck.
Source:Manhunt.net
8 Comments:
bad advice. i'm working off a couple of assumptions: that mike and dave really are friends, and that dave really is the "great" guy that mike claims he is. if those statements are both true then mike should never have had any reason to doubt that dave would've disclosed his status prior to inserting his dick in one of steve's willing orifices, and would have understood that that wasn't his job to take on.
i don't know though, a lot of fags i've met consider their friends to be whoever they think is hot enough to be seen with at the bar. the definition of "great guy" is often the same. in any event, i'm with the (hot) psychologist.
TNG: while your decision to tell your friend in this hypothetcal situation makes you feel better, it also makes you look like a tattle-tale and intrusive. In the end you'll be the bad guy no matter what.
It's up to Dave to reveal and for Steve to ask. Everyone should be asking, but not everyone is telling, but we can still hope. Regardless of any of all that, people should still be safe.
I don't even understand why this is a debate. I don't think it should be an insult to Dave for his friend to pull Steve aside and warn him about the potentially deadly virus he could be putting himself at risk for. Its just being a good friend. I think this would've been a much different letter if the question read "I could have saved my friend from getting HIV and didnt."
There is waaay more going on here than that which is being discussed, and there's no one right answer. But we can try to get to the best one.
I understand doc's rigidity on the personal responsibility. His is a "macro" perspective, so the message he needs to transmit, with unwavering clarity is "everyone be safe and handle YOUR OWN shit!".
That said, this is a very "micro" situation, tangled up in the irrational bonds of friendship and loyalty, making the answer far less simple than the good doctor's. Here are the important questions to consider when attempting to solve this dilemma:
1) Will "Dave" disclose? - Sure, we can hope for the best, but we all know people can be sh-sh-shaaaady, especially when they're drunk/otherwise effed up and horny.
2) Will "Steve" ask? - This can pretty much be answered right here: No. Again, booze, etc. + horny = a great big "eff it" mentality. And really, how many times has anyone actually asked that question?
3) Who is more important to you? - I know no one likes to admit this, but let's be real for a minute; everyone "ranks" their friends, even if not on a fully conscious level. And I won't hear any holier-than-thou lies trying to convince me otherwise. Yes, you do it too. So, who's more important? To whom are you closer? More loyal? Would you rather "Dave" be mad at you for disclosing, or "Steve" to be mad at you for (worst case scenario) letting him take a dip in the HIV pool?
4) What would you want your friends to do? - Put yourself in both of their shoes to get some perspective. You'd want your friend to trust you to divulge if you're "Dave", and you'd likely want to be told if you're "Steve".
By now I think the answer should be clearer... Assuming they're indeed both close to you (we'll ignore whatever hierarchy exists), and that your character assessment of "Dave" is accurate and he is the "great guy" he's purported to be, then the hope will be that he will disclose, leaving "Steve" to make the decision. But just in case, you approach "Dave" and say, "listen, I know this is probably out of line, but "Steve" is negative and a really good friend of mine, so I need you to tell him before you guys get to it." Period. Sure, he may get mad for a sec, but he'll get over it.
Also, I'm taking every word of the story at face value. If "Dave" maybe has a history of shade, you go ahead and tell "Steve". And if he proves you wrong by telling "Steve" himself anyway, not knowing that you've disclosed for him, then he's proved you wrong and you're the jerk. Deal with it, you still did the right thing.
Oh and, "Steve" is a bitch-ass whiny battle-goat; he has no reason to be mad, "Dave" disclosed, he made a subsequent decision, case closed. Wack ho.
I think the discussion is missing a key point. Sex with a poz guy doesn't necessarily put you at risk UNLESS you have unprotected sex. It's quite likely that many of us neg guys have had sex with poz guys but the likelihood of infection is pretty slim if you practice safer sex. In an ideal world, safer sex should be both about personal responsibility and about showing respect and care for fellow gay brethen.
sergio makes a good point. and we can all decide how much we want to put ourselves at risk. and we all should be open with people we sleep with. i think, in this situation, mentioning to the friend that the guy he was about to fuck/get fucked by/whatev was positive. i would want to know and would be furious with my friend for not telling me.
oops. that was me above.
How would this conversation be any different if the uncurable virus was HPV or HSV instead of HIV?
I think in the case of HPV or HSV, since the consequences aren't fatal, I would leave it up to the two people considering engaging in the act.
However, for HIV, I think I'd take controlphreaq's tack and remind the positive friend that he should inform the negative friend, and probably go so far as to remind the negative friend to "Be Safe!"
If a friend is about to play Russian roulette with another friend, and you know there might be a bullet in the chamber instead of a blank, how could you not say something to someone? Maybe HIV isn't the proverbial bullet in the chamber any more medically speaking, but emotionally it still feels like one to me.
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