Dude, Where's the Keg?: Gay DC House Party Etiquette

With the temperature rising, and the probability of old scary looking men wearing tank tops on 17th street increasing, the number of house and patio parties will soon follow suit. These are important social events that consume quite a bit of conversation and gossip both leading up to and following them. In other words, they need to be taken very seriously. We here at TNG do not want you to flounder when attending these sacred events. Therefore, we have assembled some pointers on how to make the most of a gay DC house party.

The Evite
All gay DC house parties begin with an Evite, which is the invitation equivalent of a Wal-Mart or a Pizza Hut. This has always puzzled me. Gays will spend an obscene amount of money on jeans or (what they think is high end) art, but yet have no qualms about sending out tacky Evites to everyone in the city. The beauty of an Evite, however, is that you can see the guest list and mentally prepare for running into your ex's, enemies, frenemies, co-workers, and internet hook-ups. A key piece of information on the Evite is the number of guests invited. If it is 30 or less, you probably shouldn't roll up with eight of your somewhat close friends. Anything approaching 50 or more is fair game, and you can safely tell everyone on Facebook.

All Evites give you the option to reply yes, no, or maybe, and to add a message. Gays love the message option as it gives them the chance to show how witty they are. Expect deep prose such as "Wouldn't miss it! Hope you have enough vodka HA HA :) " or "Count me in, I love margaritas!!!" Those who can't attend usually indicate that they are doing something more fabulous, but will raise an obligatory toast to the occasion: "Sorry, Gary and I will be on a private island off the coast of Mexico, but we'll do a shot in your honor." Those who respond maybe are not coming to the party. These are the non-commital types who want to express that they would be there if it weren't for the other, more interesting and cooler party they are actually attending that night: "I have a birthday to attend, but will try to make it." Birthdays are common "maybe" excuses since anyone's birthday trumps a non-occasion party. I suggest you respond yes (or no), never respond maybe, and resist the urge to write a cutesy message. Also, don't artificially inflate the guest count by responding that you will be bringing 48 guests. There is always someone who will do that to be cute and funny, and that guy is usually an asshole.

Attire
Let's face it, DC is not a stylish city. Even at the "most fierce party" everyone will be wearing a tight-Ben-Sherman-Polo-ish-collared shirt. It is a safe assumption that every shade of the rainbow (pun intended) in cotton with a collar will be represented at any DC gay house party. In the summer this will be accompanied with khaki shorts and flip flops. In the fall/spring, the khaki shorts will give way to tight jeans, but the flip flops will remain. Gays love showing off their feet via flip flops. Their outfits and hair products will likely exceed 200 dollars, but standing around nearly barefoot is considered classy in these parts. I have never understood this. It is not until the chill of winter that the gays don shoes. In short, it doesn't take a whole lot of effort to look even remotely stylish. Avoid gold chains and jean shorts. Note: anyone wearing a baseball hat is a bottom.

Arrival Time
The rule of thumb is to be stylishly late. That rule is for (thumb) suckers. Arrive unfashionably early. Why? Alcohol. At the beginning of the party you have your pick of the litter. You can easily get in 2-3 rum and cokes before the cologne-drenched masses arrive. I don't understand why more folks don't appreciate the beauty of this simple concept: The early bird gets the worm. Once the party kicks in, the alcohol starts to disappear faster than a butch sounding voice at showtunes night at JRs. (Note to the hosts: it is usually the mixers and ice that run out first, leaving guests to stir up such magical creations as a rum and OJ, or rail-gin with a splash of water. Do everyone a favor and have an ample supply of soda, tonic, and juice.)

Another good thing about arriving early is that you get the lay of the land. Make a mental note of where the "extra" bathroom is, should there be one. You can avoid the pisser-line later on when the apple-tinis start to run their course. You might even be able to get a glimpse of where the back-up liquor is stored. This is key should the supplies start to run low.

Socializing
This is how gay DC works: everyone stands around with their friends and either ignores everyone else, or sneers at everyone else. Multiply this times 20 and you have a gay DC house party. Once someone in one group recognizes an acquaintance in another group, the two groups can open up, and introductions can be made. Until then, however, it is like a bad high school cafeteria. I don't have the solution to this, so I am just asking that you gay DC (collectively), please take the stick out of your ass and be polite and social when you are at a party. Also, please offer something more than your job on the Hill/campaign or your law school. If there is nothing else interesting about you, then please do the rest of us a favor and drink at home alone. Or better yet, move.

The Bathroom Line
If you weren't able to scope out that secret bathroom, you will be stuck in line waiting to pee. This is always time to make small talk with other attendees who you might not otherwise meet. For some reason, I tend to get stuck in line with (1) the only girl at the party who wants to shower with me with compliments; or (2) the creepiest kid who probably isn't 20 and has a belly-button ring. I have no real strategy for dealing with this other than to fake an important text message conversation or to pretend like you are too deaf to hear them.

Once inside the bathroom, remember that gay guys in DC are usually sickeningly wealthy and like to feel special by using an array of fancy toiletries. TNG does not endorse stealing. All I am saying is that at some point you will be alone in a bathroom with lots of expensive soap. Use your own judgment and morals.

The Music
It will suck. Don't tinker with the Ipod, however. It is just rude. Even if the host is your best friend and/or they are playing Whitney's "I Want to Dance with Somebody." Also, don't be friends with people who have Whitney's "I Want to Dance with Somebody" on their Ipod.

Drinking
Let's face it, you are there for tail. To get tail you must first drink. If you are like me, you tend to make one of two mistakes: (1) you drink too much, stare at the guy you like all night, don't talk to him, then go home to jerk off while thinking of him; or (2) you drink too much, approach the guy, and make an asshole out of yourself. Both of these errors result from drinking too much. I know I encouraged you to arrive early for the booze, but you need to master the art of pacing yourself so that you can get tail. Try to remind yourself, bunnies and puppies are cute; slackened facial musculature, slurred confessionals, and "I'm so drunk" are not.

Let me give you some pointers on pacing yourself. First, go the bathroom (preferably the secret one) every half hour or so, even if you don't have to use it. Take note of whether your ears are ringing, the toilet paper holder is unusually fascinating, or you're having a hard time handling soap. Second, count your drinks. It is pretty simple, but no one ever does this. If you get to a prime number over five you should probably stop. Lastly, watch the guy you are interested in. Make sure he is always one drink ahead of you. If you start to pass your tipping point, make sure that you are never talking louder, taking more, or wearing less clothing than he is.

Brunch
Relive all the memories and mishaps of last night with all your friends over eggs and bloody mary's. Yup, you are gay and you live in DC. Own it.