A Life or a Lifestyle?
Queer life is pretty complicated. Unlike the straight world, our relationships are often defined by new terms such as "partner" or "special friend" instead of the straightforward boyfriend to fiance to husband. These new terms are often used by people who live far outside of the queer universe. What's evident is that far too many straight people lack the sensitivity and knowledge needed to speak about queers without pissing us off.
One of my biggest pet peeves is the term "lifestyle" to refer to the way we homos live. The term is usually used in a sentence, such as "I don't dislike him as a person, I just disapprove of his lifestyle." Whoosh! There I go, through the roof.
That's not to say that there isn't such a thing as a gay lifestyle. There is one. And it's generally what TNG is working to promote alternatives to. In my understanding of the gay lifestyle, gay men: wear lots of cologne; have sex with each other at the drop of a dime; spend more time at the gym and the mall than at work or being otherwise productive; spend more time having sex or looking for it than working out or shopping; use the word "fabulous" whenever they mean "good", "great", "fine", "well", "okay", or "terrific"; are either drinking or recovering from drinking, or both; are always ready with a clever quip delivered with a snap. Those sorts of things are what comprise a lifestyle. However, not every gay man maintains that lifestyle. Actually, very few — if any — actually do.
My lifestyle is defined by my core values. Those values translate into the following rules that I aim to keep every day of my life: Treat others as you would want to be treated; leave everything the way you find it, if not better; respect all life; to the extent that the other rules are observed, anything is okay in moderation. These rules result in a lifestyle that includes, among others, a career I'm passionate about, home-cooking 90% of the food that goes into my body, keeping fit and active through yoga, cycling and working out at the gym, living without a car, trying to help people in any way I can. So what if I'm attracted to men. How could that one fact that taint the otherwise respectable lifestyle I've fashioned for myself?
Most people who would be heard voicing the above quote about disapproving of the gay lifestyle actually have lifestyles that I disapprove of. They're living the American Dream, complete with two-car garage, 2.5 kids, white picket fence, a chicken in every pot... Basically, the pursuit of happiness at the expense of their personal health and the health of our planet and our collective future. How much of that is linked to their sexual orientation? Chances are, there are queers living right next door to them, attending their block parties and raising kids that sit next to their own in the elementary school down the street, maintaining the exact same "lifestyle" they are. Yet having gay sex behind their closed doors.
You don't see me protesting their suburban block parties, where they gather to celebrate their lifestyles, angrily telling them that they need to change the way in which they live. But maybe some day I will. And when I'm there, I'll make sure to inform them that they shouldn't use the term "lifestyle" to refer to queers and the fact that we have sex with people of the same gender.
Now, not all straight folk are completely uneducated when it comes to the ability to discuss queer lives. I have an aunt who is progressive enough to not only stay at a gay bed and breakfast, but upon arrival ask the bearish proprietors whether they mind having a "couple of breeders" staying at their inn. This is a true story, and she felt the need to tell me this story so that I knew that she was capable of relating to me with understanding and compassion. And I appreciated that.
We as a culture should be working to help educate the people around us. We need to talk to our straight neighbors, colleagues, family members. We need to talk openly and candidly about ourselves and use terminology with which they might not be familiar. It's our job as the men and women who live valid gay lives to share our experiences and with those "breeders" who, unlike my aunt, have no idea how to talk to us.
Coda: The image above was created by me, but based on a Coors Light ad I found somewhere on the interweb. Obviously the employees at the marketing firm for Coors Light have bought into the Gay Lifestyle idea, and think that we gays spend all our time lounging by the pool with our hot friends.
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I actually think Coors has the right idea here. My straight friends see beer ads where plenty of hot girls are lounging by the pool, fawning over the lucky guy intelligent enough to purchase the right beer - Coors Light (my beer of choice in college... mmmm taste the Rockies). Or getting so passionate about a beer, they can't help but mud wrestle in bikinis while arguing whether its great because its either "Less Filling" or has "Great Taste".
The point is, I want to be treated by multinational corporations in the same way they treat my straight friends. As an idiot who thinks only with his dick.
Yes, yes, I work in finance, talk politics, debate philosophy, and keep up on world events, all while listening to good indie rock music and drinking Malbec. But sometimes, I just wanna sit back with a crap beer and watch some football in a pool full of hot guys. If Coors Light understands this, then I support them.
If they also want to bring me the guy standing up with the beer in his right hand, I would have no problem with that whatsoever.
I'll refrain from ranting about how Peter Coors and the Coors corporation donates tons of money to right-wing, anti-gay, anti-choice political movements and discuss an anecdote about the use of the word "lifestyle" to describe my sexual orientation.
My older brother (I'm 27, he's 34) is your stereotypical Joe Six-pack in many respects. He works in a blue-collar job, didn't finish college, has a wife and a young son, loves sports and fishing, respects and finds comfort in traditional culture and in a traditional lifestyle. He is very much cool with my sexual orientation, loves me, and wants me to be happy. Still, sometimes he just doesn't quite know the right words to use and the right things to say when it comes to me being gay. In a recent conversation, we were talking about an argument that I had with my (very traditional, very religious) parents about how much it hurt me that they don't support my right marry. In trying to be diplomatic, he likened his own life to my parents' life. Like my parents, his aspirations were to find a decent job that could allow him to start and raise a family - very prototypical working class aspirations. In contrast, he said that he and my parents had trouble relating to my lifestyle - I'm working on a Ph.D., living in an urban setting, engaging in sodomy on a regular basis, etc., etc. He used the term "lifestyle" to try to explain where my parents were coming from vis-a-vis where I am coming from, and tried to place himself in the middle. He is young enough to be more tolerant, but ultimately is following the same life path as our parents.
I cringed a little when he used the word "lifestyle" but I couldn't bring myself to correct him because a) his intentions were so good, and b) I couldn't escape the nuance of whether he was talking about my sexual orientation or the more stark class distinctions between my life and theirs.
I feel like I'm babbling (because I should be working on something else right now), but I wonder if anyone else has this sort of dynamic with their families. Lots of gays have left their rural and suburban hometowns for urban centers. Is the lifestyle difference between us and our "redneck past" really two different dynamics at play: sexual orientation and class? Is one a bigger barrier than the other? Are they inextricably related? I can't really resolve this in my own head, so these are not rhetorical questions. I'd be interested to see if anyone has anything to add to this.
There is actually a bar in the town in which I grew up for a while that has what it calls at "Alternative Lifestyle Night." I think they intend for it to be a gay night, but I am so offended by their choice of words that I will never attend, even if it is the only gay night in town.
Of course, maybe what they mean is that it's nudist night or something, but I still won't be going.
Nice post, Michael, and I especially like your section about living your core values.
Something I've often bitched about with the religious bigots is that instead of spending all their energy yapping about the God-accursed catamites, perhaps they should volunteer in a soup kitchen.
I wonder if a common idea of the "gay lifestyle" nowadays comes more from coporate capitalism than an actual cohesive set of cultural mores.
QUOTE: What's evident is that far too many straight people lack the sensitivity and knowledge needed to speak about queers without pissing us off.
How much of this is caused by our own actions? Often people take ANY comments that aren't 100% positive on the mark, total agreement as an attack.
Example, the 3 part series by AL. I found the first one very interesting, the second one less so, and the third just a repeat of the last.
But what was more interesting is the comments. Someone suggested that Manhunt.com isn't the best site to try and meet people that are looking for more then just sex, and the replies are a full out attack on the person.
I only use that as an example, because it's on this site, and it's recent.
The truth is, we sometimes make it harder for others to be able to talk to us, because we have unwritten rules on what people can or can not say or do.
Most of it really comes down to if we like the person or not. If we like them, they are cool and with it and understand, and when they make a joke, it's funny and not stereotyping.
If we don't like them, it's clearly homophobia, and the person clearly is the most bigoted person ever.
Isn't saying far too many straight people lack the sensitivity and knowledge a form of stereotyping? It is.
I certainly don't have any issues talking openly and honestly about my husband. I also don't get upset if someone calls him my partner, because they aren't sure what I him to be called.
The simple truth is, the bigger a deal you make of it, the less inclined people will be willing to talk to you about these subjects, for fear of offending. If I make it ok for them to make mistakes, I de-stress the subject, and they end up thinking I'm just like them.
And ask yourself this. If someone told you that you had to use only certain terms, ask certain things, and basically tailor the way you speak to accommodate them only, how inclined would you be towards doing that? If it was all on their terms?
i don't think we should obsess over a word like "lifestyle" that many people may use meaning no harm. and, for the record, i have been known to engage in both the activities that michael derided AND the things he himself says he likes to do. i also, like conquistador, enjoy drinking cheap beer with gay men who have hot bodies. the fact that coors wants to sell their cheap beer to me and is acknowledging that i like hot mean does not offend me either.
For me, being gay is not a lifestyle. I could have any number of different lifestyles and still be gay, which I think is what Michael is getting at. If someone refers to homosexuality as a lifestyle, basically s/he is saying that one chooses to be gay, and saying that is a way of affirming the idea that homosexuality is some sort of psychological disorder or lack of morals. It is similar to the way some people say "sexual preference" instead of "sexual orientation." Yes, some of those people may not mean to offend, and that is why it can be helpful to politely point out the difference if you think that is the case.
Great post.
I like how you point out the "straight lifestyle" which is often, more close to perfect than our lives can ever be.
I think that educating straights has proven to be quite difficult, because not all gays and lesbians feel that the same terms are offensive. Me and my "significant other" (I hate that term) have been together for five years. Sometimes I call her my girlfriend and sometimes I call her my wife. She hates the term "partner". And we both get irritated by "friend."
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