(This is the last of eight Chanukah posts. I hope you all enjoyed them, or at least one or two of you enjoyed them.)
There's nothing queer about this one, but every year at Chanukah my mom reads us this Isaac Bashevis Singer story and every year it makes my dad cry. Check it out if you have a soft spot for fate, parakeets, latkes or true love.
(Its the penultimate day of Chanukah and it's looking unlikely that anyone will be contributing to my queer Judaism series. But if there's even one gay Jew out there reading and enjoying these, please let me know. I would hate to think they've been posted for naught.)
Have you ever had your dick stereotyped? Its no secret that some races and ethnicities are purported to have bigger or smaller hoo-hahs than other ones. Though these stereotypes are usually bullshit, at least they're constant. If you belong to a certain group that's supposed to have a big one, you can use that to your advantage whether or not its true for you. If your heritage is known in the eyes of the world to be less than palatial, than its easy to pleasantly surprise people.
But what if no one can agree how big your dick is supposed to be? What if some people automatically assumed your were teeny and others would accept nothing other than a full 12 inches? Do you think it would be confusing?
You'd be right.
If my dick changed size based on the expectations of others, it would have motion sickness. I won't say what I'm packing, because its not germane, but I know that everyone I've talked to has a radically different idea of what the Jewish penis is. Some people assume its big, "like your nose!" Some people think I'm small "because a rabbi cut it all off when you were born." How did this happen? How could such radically different generalizations materialize about one little piece of kosher sausage?
Personally, the biggest and smallest penises I have ever seen belonged to Jewish guys. All the other ones I've encountered fall somewhere in the middle. Just like every other dick in the world. How could multiple penis stereotypes be constructed for the same race of people? Did God command us to be fruitful and multiply...and then have really inconsistent genitals? Have all these people only slept with one Jewish guy in their lives and decided to make him represent everyone?
What have you all heard? Maybe this could be a reader poll. You leave a comment telling me what preconceived notions you have heard about a Jewish guy's dick. At the end we can tally them up and declare a winner.
While we're at it, why don't you tell me about some of the craziest sexual stereotypes you have heard about your racial/ethnic group. Like if someone assumed you're loud in bed because you're Macedonian, this could be the place to vent about it. I just to know where the hell this stuff comes from.
(This is the 6th of 8 gay Jewish posts I'm putting up for Chanukah. Reader submissions on the queer Jewish experience are welcome. Yada yada. You all get the idea by now.)
A quick google search for "Gay Chanukah" yielded up a very disturbing Gay.com article on gaying up your yarmulkes, the skull caps that Jewish men wear to cover their heads in temple. I think that wearing any of these yarmulke suggestions to an actual religious ceremony would result in the wearer becoming the laughingstock of the entire congregation and perhaps felling several of his elderly relatives through embolisms of embarrassment.
The leather model above is called the shaigitz, which is Yiddish for "Wild Jewish Boy." Its a also made out of Naugahyde and would probably stick to bare skin. Bald men, beware.
3 other such abominations can be found beneath the fold.
Gay.com calls this model the "JewBu," which stands for "Jewish Buddhist." A gay Jewish Buddhist could revel in the rich history of the cultures to which they belong, or they could stick this modified Chinese slipper on their head and make a mockery of them. Their choice.
This model is called "The Liberace," but it looks so much like a rice krispie treat with sprinkles that I want to eat it.
This one's called "Ziggy Stardust." I actually think its pretty awesome. Bonus points for someone with enough balls to actually wear this to temple, and infinite bonus points if you rock Ziggy Stardust make up while you do it.
(This is the 5th of 8 posts celebrating Chanukah from the queer perspective. I’ve gotten some other voices in, but there’s three more days of Chanukah and I would still love to hear from a lesbian or transgendered Jew on their personal experience. Heck, even if you don’t get it to me till after the holiday I’d be pretty excited. You can send submissions to Zack@thenewgay.net.)
I was going to do a post here on some famous gay Jews, but I feel like blog posts on famous Jews are dime-a-dozen. Even narrowed down to the queer ones, you probably wouldn’t be too interested in reading anything more about the cultural contributions of, for example, comedian Sandra Bernhard, X-Men director Bryan Singer or rockers Peaches and Lou Reed.
So instead (and because I’m getting sick of holiday cheer) I thought I’d treat everyone out there in TNG-ville to a nice primer on Leopold and Loeb.
Arguably the most well-known queer Jews in American history, if not necessarily for the right reasons, Nathan Leopold and Richard Loeb made national headlines in 1924 for murdering a 14 year-old boy named Bobby Franks. The two most notable facts of the case were that the two young men were lovers and that their motives for the murder were to prove themselves as Nietzschean supermen of superior intellect who were capable of committing the perfect crime.
The crime was obviously far from perfect, as the two were quickly apprehended and placed under a trial that was one of our countries first to be dubbed “Trial of the Century.” Most of this had to do with the sensationalism inherent in the story of gay Jewish child-killers. Scopes Trial veteran Clarence Darrow successfully defended the pair against capital punishment and instead won them life sentences in jail.
I have always nursed an odd fascination with this case. I’m a young gay Jew from Chicago. In fact, Leopold and Loeb were members of my synagogue. If I was alive, we might have even been friends. I can’t even imagine what kind of power dynamic would have to be at play in my relationship that I plotted murders in my free time- its enough of a struggle for my boyfriend and I to agree on a place to eat dinner- but what would it be like spending time with a person who could?
There is something so unromantic in their romance that I can’t help but be fascinated by it. I know I’m not the only one. Alfred Hitchcock’s movie Rope was based on the crime, as was the 2002 Sandra Bullock movie “Murder by Numbers.” Last year, D.C.’s Source Theater housed a production of “Never the Sinner,” an actual Leopold and Loeb musical.
If enough time has passed to make a musical about the boys, has enough time passed for me to take a weird sort of pride in them? When going through the key figures in a minority’s history, its easy to vaunt the heroes while pushing villains under the rug. If I’m going to take credit for Allan Bloom or Tony Kushner, I have to admit an attachment to Leopold and Loeb too. They might have cast an extremely negative shadow, and committed a heinous crime, but they’re just as central figures in gay Jewish history as any politician or painter. You have to accept a canon, no matter what its makeup.
(This is the fourth in my ongoing series of Chanukah posts on the gay Jewish experience. I would really, really love to get a women's or transgendered voice in these, so if you are either and have something you want to share on the queer Jewish experience, please contact me at Zack@thenewgay.net)
In yesterday's Chanukah post I alluded to bagel chasers, men who actually go out of their way to hit on, pick up or sleep with Jewish guys. As a Jewish guy, I find this to be utterly baffling. To answer the question of "why me?" I turned to longtime TNG commentor Parker. Here's what he had to say:Am I a bagel chaser? Alas, I am. It's a problem, but it doesn't present itself through long night staking out synagogues or anything. It just happens. Here's the deal. There have been a handful of guys over the years that have gotten me into trouble. And by trouble I mean making out or aggressively flirting with them when the bf isn't looking. In one instance, I kinda accidentally had sex with one of these gentlemen when I kinda maybe wasn't allowed to. Anyway, there was something about these guys that made them physically irresistible. I found out later that they were all Jewish and that I definitely had a "type."
What does this mean? Nothing, really. My boyfriend of nearly seven years is a half Thai, half Tennessee Nazarene Buddhist. Nothing Jewish about him at all. But I do still find myself hopelessly drawn to guys who wind up being Jewish. I have two theories as to why: 1) I am totally hot for that guy Dave Lieberman from Food TV and am looking for anyone who looks even the slightest bit like him. (Or that knows him. Jews all know each other, right?) [Ed. Note: We do. Its called "Jewish Geography."]
2) I am seeking out people who look like they're from the part of the world I'm from (lots of Italians and Jews in the Philadelphia area) so that there's some chance that I could talk to them about the Philadelphia Eagles . . . while making out with them.
Whatever it is, it's gotten to the point where the Jews are now coming after me. Just recently, a hot Israeli guy told me he wanted to do all kinds of naughty things to me. I think he changed his mind when he found out I wasn't Jewish myself but, before he found out that my mother's Italian heritage was the reason for my dark curly hair, he was totally giving me the sex eye. So maybe I'm into the Jews because the Jews are into me because they think I'm a Jew?
How Meta! Personally, I'm just excited to find out that, against all odds, this nose and hair could actually make me exotic.
(This is the third in my series of semi-gay Chanukah posts. Anyone out there with an opinion on queer Jewish culture, or even a queer opinion of Jewish culture, should definitely submit it to me because I would love to post it. And again, let the record show that this was posted before midnight.)
I have a post coming next week about bagel chasers, goyish men who go out of their way to pursue the sons of Abraham, but today I wanted to take a more general track. The temporal proximity of Christmas and Chanukah always leaves me comparing the two holidays, and the cultures behind them, at this time of year. So I asked my gentile (but circumcised) boyfriend to give me his impressions on dating a Jew.
Here's what he had to say:While never considering myself a bagel chaser by any stretch of the term, I've dated a few Jewish guys. And I'm dating one now. The guys I've gotten to know tend to fall on the more secular side of Judaism, so I haven't been exposed to a lot of the rites and services and what not. I was raised Catholic, and I think there's a connection that can be made between Jews and Catholics, despite the obvious differences. (That whole Christ thing.) Growing up, my boyfriend and I both had limitations and restrictions put on our weekends due to the faiths we were raised under. There were certain foods to be eaten or avoided at certain times of the year. We were exposed to ancient stories of long dead people at very young ages. And we both got laden with guilt, lots of guilt, and were then left to try to sort through it during the coming-of-age and coming-out processes. Heck, we even share a testament. But despite the connection, there's definitely a huge difference between our religious cultures, and its one that I'm kinda jealous of.
I think the easiest way to explain my main thought here is to correct my last statement. There's a huge difference between the Jewish culture and the Catholic non-culture. There is little about my upbringing that I hold dear to me. I don't feel nostalgic when I smell frankincense. I don't crave cheap, watered-down red wine served out of a communal chalice. And I don't miss going to bed early every Saturday night so that I can wake up well rested and ready for mass on Sundays. And when I think back on whatever culture there might have been associated with my Catholic upbringing, I can't think of anything else. The rest of my "culture" seems to be the same as that which nearly every other middle class white kid grew up with, and it's not very exciting either. If world cultures were breads, American middle-class white culture would definitely be Wonder Bread: fragile, flavorless and cheap.
My boyfriend's Jewish culture is so rich. So many traditions passed down through the generations, too many for me to keep track of. He travels home to the Midwest for family celebrations more often than I visit with my family who live only two hours away. I can't begin to describe all of the aspects of his culture that I appreciate so much, mostly because I don't have enough context to understand them all and therefore remember them. And any attempt at description would sound trite. But I know it's substantial, it's rich, it's hearty, something you can sink your teeth into. It's like a good loaf of whole grain rye.
It's really funny to hear this, because when I was growing up my sisters and I always used the term "Christian" as a shorthand for the kind of waspy, Martha Stewart aspects of family life we thought was precluded by the stereotypical messy, neurotic, high involvement Jewish culture.
Thus, when my mom sent us to school with hard-boiled eggs in a wrinkled paper bag, we dreamed of the "Christian" lunch of a ham and cheese sandwich in a tin lunch box. When our sick old mutt began disregarding all rules against indoor bathroom usage, we would talk about the possiblity of someday owning a normal, "Christian" dog, like a border collie, that would fetch our slippers and do tricks instead of trying to impress us with the frequency and fetidity of its bowel movements. We said "Jewish garbage" to refer to the wet piles of plastic bags while laughing about family friends, the Chesterfields, that simply jettisoned one paper grocery bag of detritus at the same time every Sunday. I could go on.
So it surprised me to hear that this "grass-is-always-greener" attitude could go both ways. It probably shouldn't have.
This is part 2 of an 8 day series on Chanukah from the gay Jewish perspective. I really can't do this all by myself and would love submissions from the TNG readership on the gay, bi, lesbian and transgender Jewish experience. You may email them to me at Zack@thenewgay.net)
This might seem like an odd Chanukah post but this time of year, and its terrible preponderance of schmaltzy Christmas music, has a way of making a guy acutely aware that he cares not a lick about about the reason for the season. I love the weather and the festivity, but if I hear one more sleigh bell coming from a mall speaker I'm going to lay down on Rudolph's runway and let myself be trampled.
A couple days ago, Rachel Beckman wrote an awesome article on feeling torn between a Jewish identity and the undeniable joy that comes from "All I Want for Christmas is You." Shitty Christmas songs are here to stay and I am not going to insult our readership by suggesting that Adam Sandler's "Chanukah Song" is a suitable alternative. Rather, I wanted to present some secular Christmas songs that don't suck. Its not a Kol Nidre dance remix but it might make you feel less left out to find some seasonal music you can actually enjoy.
Top five beneath the fold:
1. Wham, "Last Christmas:" Ben's right, George Michael gets too much shit. This song would rock if it was about Arbor Day. I dare you to only listen once.
2. The Kinks, "Father Christmas:" Who here doesn't want to mug Santa? This song acknowledges that you can ask for whatever you want, but we're all really looking for cash.
3. The Pogues (with Kirsty MacColl): "Fairy Tale of New York:" This only sounds traditional and is surely the only Christmas song in history to feature the phrases "You're an old slut on junk" and "You scumbag, you maggot, you cheap lousy faggot." If only more would follow its lead. (And bonus points if you can name which equally depressing movie plays "Fairy Tale" over its opening credits.)
4. The Waitresses, "Christmas Wrapping:" Though Blondie's Rapture should make you rightfully leery of 80's white girl's rapping, this songs is pretty awesome. It fulfills everyone's (somewhat secret) desire to spend Christmas by themselves and maybe meet someone cute in the supermarket checkout aisle. (And sorry about the homemade video- there was no official clip on YouTube.)
5. The Raveonettes, "The Christmas Song:" Michael would probably kill me if I included "Do They Know Its Christmas" instead this. Leave it to the Swedes Danes to sound detached while singing about St. Nick. (and again, sorry about the weird video.)
In celebration of Chanukah, I am going to post something each day for the next eight days about the queer Jewish experience. I have some things that I want to share, but I would also really love to get contributions from all you out there in TNG-ville, whether that be essays, rants or even general musings on gay Jewish life, be that holiday-related or not. I am especially interested in submissions that deal with the bi, lesbian or transsexual Jewish experience. I highly suggest you folks send me stuff (Zack@thenewgay.net) or else you might be in for seven days of circumcision jokes- and no one wants that.
(Also, let the record show that this was posted before midnight, and thus counts for the first day of Chanukah. It was a really long day at work.)
I was going to let my first Chanukah post be a little more glib, but given some of the contradictory opinions to Ben's post on bisexuality I thought I would give you all the opinion of Jeff, a D.C. queer who seems to disagrees with Ben on the legitimacy of male bisexuality. It's also a good reminder that Christianity is not the only religion capable of homophobia:"When I was growing up, my family was a member of Beth El, a Conservative temple in Bethesda. (Conservative temples are middle-of-the-road in the strictness with which they follow Jewish law.) Although my family was not very observant, Beth El was very close to our house, which was a big convenience when I was going to Hebrew school.
On one Shabbat when I was about 12 or 13, Rabbi Maltzman explained what he thought Judaism's view was on homosexuality. I hadn't really thought much about the topic, as I did not see myself as gay at the time, but what he said was striking to me nevertheless. Homosexuals, he said, couldn't help themselves, so they shouldn't be blamed for engaging in same-sex activities. Bisexuals, however, could choose the sex of their partner and it was therefore a sin for them to choose someone of the same sex.
In retrospect, what Rabbi Maltzman said was messed up in so many ways. It created the impress to me that gays were sick, pathetic, and abnormal; that God views you differently depending on whether you are "really" gay or straight; and that bisexuality isn't an authentic identity-- it's simply the ability to choose your orientation.
Speaking of sins... Rabbi Maltzman left Beth El in 2001 amidst a criminal investigation into his mismanagement of temple funds."
Contributor Bio: Jeffrey Light, 28, is a progressive lawyer living in D.C. He is an advocate on issues ranging from transgender rights to affordable prescription drugs. Mr. Light is the founder and Executive Director of consumer rights group Patients not Patents. He holds a BS and MS in Biochemistry from Brandeis University and a JD from Georgetown University Law Center. Jeff is also a godless, sXe (straight edge) genderqueer fag who can usually be found at Sticky Fingers bakery or at a local punk or hardcore show.
