A Straight-Curious Take on Labels

I have a seriously conflicted take on labeling sexual orientation. I think for those who are 100 percent sure of what sex/es they prefer to have sex with, by all means, label away if you so choose. But many people fall somewhere in the middle — they are equally drawn to men and women, they prefer one but occasionally sleep with the other, or they sleep with one but don’t want to eliminate the other. I also know people who sleep exclusively with transgender people, both FTM and MTF, which might complicate labeling even further.

I think the problem occurs when others believe that some people are restricting their sexuality — for example, when a man sleeps with other men but calls himself straight, outraging some gay men. Or, when a woman who calls herself a lesbian sleeps with men, some lesbians don’t know what to do with that.


I consider myself a lesbian since I prefer to sleep with women. But when I don’t meet any that I’m interested in, I turn to men — it doesn’t get me off, but it’s fun, and it can tide me over until I find a cute girl. Plus I know I won’t get attached, which I can’t necessarily say for sleeping with random girls, so it makes more sense to me. So while everyone calls me bisexual, I resist the term since I’m not attracted to the men I sleep with. But if I sleep with men, I can’t very well call myself a lesbian, can I? I am currently going with “straight-curious,” since I am unfortunately finding it far easier to meet men these days than lesbians.

On the flip side, I have a lesbian friend who is now in a relationship with a man. She’s obviously attracted to him enough to date him, but she insists that she’s still a lesbian. If this is the case, then this relationship is doomed because she can’t admit that she likes men, and I can’t understand why she would waste her time. The same is true of girls who date other girls, but still insist that they’re straight.

So while I try to resist labels for myself, how can I insist that my friends conform to labels as well? My conclusion is that if we are sure about our sexuality and choose to label ourselves, go right ahead, but trying to impose labels on other people is divisive for the gay community, which faces enough problems without creating them for ourselves.

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8 Days of Queer Judaism, Day 1: Bisexuality and Jew

In celebration of Chanukah, I am going to post something each day for the next eight days about the queer Jewish experience. I have some things that I want to share, but I would also really love to get contributions from all you out there in TNG-ville, whether that be essays, rants or even general musings on gay Jewish life, be that holiday-related or not. I am especially interested in submissions that deal with the bi, lesbian or transsexual Jewish experience. I highly suggest you folks send me stuff (Zack@thenewgay.net) or else you might be in for seven days of circumcision jokes- and no one wants that.

(Also, let the record show that this was posted before midnight, and thus counts for the first day of Chanukah. It was a really long day at work.)

I was going to let my first Chanukah post be a little more glib, but given some of the contradictory opinions to Ben's post on bisexuality I thought I would give you all the opinion of Jeff, a D.C. queer who seems to disagrees with Ben on the legitimacy of male bisexuality. It's also a good reminder that Christianity is not the only religion capable of homophobia:

"When I was growing up, my family was a member of Beth El, a Conservative temple in Bethesda. (Conservative temples are middle-of-the-road in the strictness with which they follow Jewish law.) Although my family was not very observant, Beth El was very close to our house, which was a big convenience when I was going to Hebrew school.

On one Shabbat when I was about 12 or 13, Rabbi Maltzman explained what he thought Judaism's view was on homosexuality. I hadn't really thought much about the topic, as I did not see myself as gay at the time, but what he said was striking to me nevertheless. Homosexuals, he said, couldn't help themselves, so they shouldn't be blamed for engaging in same-sex activities. Bisexuals, however, could choose the sex of their partner and it was therefore a sin for them to choose someone of the same sex.

In retrospect, what Rabbi Maltzman said was messed up in so many ways. It created the impress to me that gays were sick, pathetic, and abnormal; that God views you differently depending on whether you are "really" gay or straight; and that bisexuality isn't an authentic identity-- it's simply the ability to choose your orientation.

Speaking of sins... Rabbi Maltzman left Beth El in 2001 amidst a criminal investigation into his mismanagement of temple funds."

Contributor Bio: Jeffrey Light, 28, is a progressive lawyer living in D.C. He is an advocate on issues ranging from transgender rights to affordable prescription drugs. Mr. Light is the founder and Executive Director of consumer rights group Patients not Patents. He holds a BS and MS in Biochemistry from Brandeis University and a JD from Georgetown University Law Center. Jeff is also a godless, sXe (straight edge) genderqueer fag who can usually be found at Sticky Fingers bakery or at a local punk or hardcore show.

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