Gay-Acting Is So Masculine

This post submitted by Jeremy, who also feels that fashion should matter to you.

It’s true – for all the demands for a butch partner by gay guys, somehow a bit of fruitiness reveals a truly masculine persona.

Many people misunderstand masculinity as being an amalgam of superficial attributes – a deep voice, a cocky swagger, an interest in athletics. Masculinity, however, is a more abstract and principled concept, one that, ironically, is often invoked by feminine mannerisms.

A lack of self-consciousness is a basic tenet of an attractive masculinity. A man who makes no apologies for his presentation wields an enviable appeal. Whether that presentation consists of sibilant S’s and a “theatrical” style is inconsequential. An affected reservation however exudes constant self-doubt. Sure, a sense of propriety and respect for proper decorum in certain settings is necessary, but a demeanor that reveals an excessive level of questioning oneself in service of butch appeal is not manly.

A bit of daring is also associated with maleness, and what’s more daring than dabbling in femininity? All men know that effeminacy has harsh social sanctions against it – so the guy who can get away with exhibiting the right amount wins some man points. I had a pretty masculine straight co-worker who would had long hair and would sometimes come to work with his hair done in two French braids crowning his head like a princess. The incongruity between the do and his persona, mixed with the fact that he was bold enough to wear it, increased his appeal. Keep in mind that the style only teetered on border of what’s acceptable for a guy – if it were so outrageous that it seemed he was begging for attention then all appeal would have been lost (in fact my complimenting him on his “princess’s crown” gave him second thoughts about it). I have another straight friend who openly makes it a point to portray a macho image, to the extent that he refuses to smile for pictures. Yet somehow that image is solidified by the fact that he sports an extremely long, flouncy ponytail when he doesn’t have it up in a bun. A whirlwind shredding of gender expectations is sexually exciting, too. A fussy, fey top is a weakness of mine. While butch tops are the boring expectation, there’s nothing like lying on your back and seeing a persnickety, nasal-voiced tight-ass holding your legs in the air and pounding away at you.

But the most important attribute of masculinity is an air of security. Security in one’s manhood – in the knowledge that you exhibit the substantial qualities that define you as a “man” in society. A security that an affected machismo completely belies. A macho affectation is borne by those who feel powerless in more influential areas of society. Foppishness, on the other hand, is a luxury of the more comfortable classes. Take the example of a typical tough guy from a rough neighborhood. His sex appeal is easily understood. He has all of the superficial attributes of a manly man - a muscular build, a short haircut, a perpetual mug. He looks like he can protect himself and others from the physical dangers he’s likely to encounter in his surroundings, and that look works to intimidate potential enemies. But any crack in his soldier image, like say a polka-dot bow worn in his hair, would invite dangerous people to test his ability to defend himself. That’s exactly why said polka-dot bow would be the best testament to his self-security, and thus masculinity. It signals to everyone that he’s tough enough to take on the multitude of people who would take issue with him wearing it. In other words, it’s a simple manifestation of the handicap principle – a sexual strategy where animals demonstrate their physical fitness through behavior that intentionally handicaps them. The affable guy with the hair bow in the middle of the ghetto ends up being sexier than the guy who has to mug all the time and wear bland, monochrome clothing. This extends, naturally, to broader society, where the faggy guy demonstrates both an inner-peace and a secure societal position through behavior that holds the danger of turning off strangers.

So while we all may feel the pressure to “butch up” from the community, think twice about attempting to reign in all your feminine traits. You may end up extinguishing an ample source of your appeal.

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A Life or a Lifestyle?

Queer life is pretty complicated. Unlike the straight world, our relationships are often defined by new terms such as "partner" or "special friend" instead of the straightforward boyfriend to fiance to husband. These new terms are often used by people who live far outside of the queer universe. What's evident is that far too many straight people lack the sensitivity and knowledge needed to speak about queers without pissing us off.

One of my biggest pet peeves is the term "lifestyle" to refer to the way we homos live. The term is usually used in a sentence, such as "I don't dislike him as a person, I just disapprove of his lifestyle." Whoosh! There I go, through the roof.

That's not to say that there isn't such a thing as a gay lifestyle. There is one. And it's generally what TNG is working to promote alternatives to. In my understanding of the gay lifestyle, gay men: wear lots of cologne; have sex with each other at the drop of a dime; spend more time at the gym and the mall than at work or being otherwise productive; spend more time having sex or looking for it than working out or shopping; use the word "fabulous" whenever they mean "good", "great", "fine", "well", "okay", or "terrific"; are either drinking or recovering from drinking, or both; are always ready with a clever quip delivered with a snap. Those sorts of things are what comprise a lifestyle. However, not every gay man maintains that lifestyle. Actually, very few — if any — actually do.

My lifestyle is defined by my core values. Those values translate into the following rules that I aim to keep every day of my life: Treat others as you would want to be treated; leave everything the way you find it, if not better; respect all life; to the extent that the other rules are observed, anything is okay in moderation. These rules result in a lifestyle that includes, among others, a career I'm passionate about, home-cooking 90% of the food that goes into my body, keeping fit and active through yoga, cycling and working out at the gym, living without a car, trying to help people in any way I can. So what if I'm attracted to men. How could that one fact that taint the otherwise respectable lifestyle I've fashioned for myself?

Most people who would be heard voicing the above quote about disapproving of the gay lifestyle actually have lifestyles that I disapprove of. They're living the American Dream, complete with two-car garage, 2.5 kids, white picket fence, a chicken in every pot... Basically, the pursuit of happiness at the expense of their personal health and the health of our planet and our collective future. How much of that is linked to their sexual orientation? Chances are, there are queers living right next door to them, attending their block parties and raising kids that sit next to their own in the elementary school down the street, maintaining the exact same "lifestyle" they are. Yet having gay sex behind their closed doors.

You don't see me protesting their suburban block parties, where they gather to celebrate their lifestyles, angrily telling them that they need to change the way in which they live. But maybe some day I will. And when I'm there, I'll make sure to inform them that they shouldn't use the term "lifestyle" to refer to queers and the fact that we have sex with people of the same gender.

Now, not all straight folk are completely uneducated when it comes to the ability to discuss queer lives. I have an aunt who is progressive enough to not only stay at a gay bed and breakfast, but upon arrival ask the bearish proprietors whether they mind having a "couple of breeders" staying at their inn. This is a true story, and she felt the need to tell me this story so that I knew that she was capable of relating to me with understanding and compassion. And I appreciated that.

We as a culture should be working to help educate the people around us. We need to talk to our straight neighbors, colleagues, family members. We need to talk openly and candidly about ourselves and use terminology with which they might not be familiar. It's our job as the men and women who live valid gay lives to share our experiences and with those "breeders" who, unlike my aunt, have no idea how to talk to us.

Coda: The image above was created by me, but based on a Coors Light ad I found somewhere on the interweb. Obviously the employees at the marketing firm for Coors Light have bought into the Gay Lifestyle idea, and think that we gays spend all our time lounging by the pool with our hot friends.

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Hipster Identity Crisis

I recently re-discovered this old MetroWeekly article by Will Doig, a writer I knew from DC who moved up to New York, never to be heard from again (at least by me). He discusses the ubiquity of the gay hipster in New York’s Williamsburg neighborhood:

The hipster gay seems to be overtaking the flashy gym gay as the primary gay stereotype. The hipster gay has Conor Oberst's hair and, in many cases, Conor Oberst's body as well. Large muscles are not hip to the hipster gay. The hipster gay wears a 1970s necktie (around his neck, not in the collar of his shirt), and a hoodie underneath a frayed, pin-striped sport jacket. The hipster gay's jeans are tastefully torn, his Converse sneakers appropriately ragged.

Despite this, the hipster gay, I think, is not all that different from the flashy gym gay, whose shiny Adidas pants and striped rugby shirt seem designed to emulate a heterosexual sports enthusiast. The hipster gay emulates a straight boy as well, one that plays bass for a band called The Pun Makers and drinks blue-collar beer and dates a girl who wears thick-rimmed glasses and looks vaguely like Velma from Scooby-Doo.

While the gay hipster identity has not proven as successful in DC as more traditional gay roles (the prep/the jock), there has been some increase in numbers among those who define themselves hipsters (or gipster—I’m told some use this term for “gay hipsters”) during the years since Will’s article was published.

First of all, I’m still not sure what a hipster is. I assume it refers to someone who is hip. Who decides what is hip? I don’t know, but apparently people think I do, because I’ve been called a hipster, and this blog has been called a “hipster blog.” Thus, this appellation has inspired me to leave this closest that I didn’t know I was in and find out what it is that I supposedly am.

From reading Will’s article, it seems that hipsters are skinny. I’m not that skinny, but I’m definitely slim. Check. Hipsters are also Ironic. Why such an elevated importance of Irony...I don't know, but I’m a writer and irony is a tool in my bucket, so check. I enjoy going to dive bars and locales with character that provide a relaxed atmosphere, I enjoy shopping at thrift stores, and I like a wide variety of music. I've come to understand the same is true for hipsters, so check, check, check. I’ve also noticed that hipsters have interesting grooming habits, particularly in relation to their hair. Well, I don’t own a comb or any hair fixatives. Check. I’m also told that hipsters are “cutting-edge.” I'm fairly forward thinking, so check. Is that it? I’m a hipster! Awesome.

But wait a minute.

After spending time at so-called hipster venues and around hipster people, I start to notice things that don’t make sense to me. Aren’t hipster supposed to be artists and thinkers? Cutting-edge, right? Civic minded, at least? Who said that! Ok, maybe no one. Many of them don't seem particularly interesting or engaged in anything beyond their own narcicissm, or believe certain progressive ideas for reasons beyond the fact that they were fed to them at university. In fact, most hipsters seem as mindlessly obsessed with image and pop culture as everyone else.

I also learn that hipsters aren’t buying thrift because clothing is overpriced, fashion is label driven, or because they want to assemble creative and fun outfits. Much of what they buy is new, right off the rack, and much of the "thrift" they purchase is more expensive than new clothing. Their motivation is to reflect an image, fit in, and be hip. Upon closer inspection, much of hipster fashion is as uniform driven as the abercrombie jock/preppie gay tribes. I have no problem with image driven fashion choices, as it's natural to wear the drag of our social group. We all do it. I'm just a little dissapointed to find out that there's nothing behind their fashion statement other than wanting to fit in with the herd of "hip" people.

The music? Most of these indie bands that they swear by aren’t very good, rehash the same tired formulas, and vanish in six months. I'm also dissapointed to find out that hipster musical taste, while deep, isn't particularly broad. For instance, I tried to have a conversation with a band of hipsters recently (they were actually in a band) about various musical groups from across an array of different musical genres, and they were clueless about anything beyond a few iconic rock bands and their own contemporary indie music scene. One of them had heard of Al Green, but the damage was already done.

And the grooming thing? Some of them just stink. In the 60s, long or unkempt hair was a symbol of rebellion against gender and social norms, now it seems to be just another empty post-modern status symbol that indicates one’s gang affiliation.

Maybe I'm being too critical of hipsterdom, and I haven't made a proper effort to judge it fairly or see it from a broader spectrum. In and of itself, there's certainly nothing wrong with it as a social group, when compared to any other. Unlike the video below (which I think is painfully funny), the hipsters I've met aren't better or worse than anyone else I've met in any other social clique. The greatest criticism that I can levy is simply that I looked at their choices and expected to find a reflective ideology, but found only banality in their sociology. Unfortunate, but not surprising, as banality is one trait that all large social groups seem to have in spades. I suppose that's just the nature of things.

Trivia: the "refreshing" party Will referenced in the article was started by TNG's very own Michael.

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Queer PDAs

Frequent contributor Adam Isn't Here found the above video clip from a recent 20/20 segment about public reactions to queer public displays of affection. It's long, but really great. Though I have to wonder what the reactions would have been if the couples making out looked less like supermodels and more like real people.

My boyfriend and I have had a few crazy or fun reactions to us making out in public. I share a few below the fold.


Scene 1: I'm getting the Mini Cooper Flexcar ready to drive my brother and his new wife to from the wedding reception to the ferry port. The car is temporarily parked outside the main entrance of a multi-story restaurant on the shore of the New Jersey side of the Hudson. I'm wearing a tux. My boyfriend comes out to wait with me, looking really sharp in a two-piece suit. There is a steady stream of people coming in and out of the restaurant, plus a few people smoking or waiting for the valet to bring them their cars. The boyfriend and I start making out while leaning against the red Mini with the top down. A gaggle of drunk girls are standing on the other side of the car. One of them slams her hands on the car and screams, drunkenly, "I LOVE IT!"

Scene 2: My boyfriend and I are walking down 18th Street in between Lauriol Plaza and Rosemary's Thyme holding hands. A group of three pre-teen kids are walking towards us and looking shocked as they realize that we are two grown men were showing affection in public. One says to the other, masked by her hand but far from whispering, "They're gay!" My boyfriend turns to look back at them and says, "We can hear you." They continue to chatter about us, and he yells again, "We can STILL hear you!"

Scene 3: Rehoboth Beach, August 2005. My boyfriend and I are lying on the beach while a group of bear-ish guys are playing volleyball nearby. Mid-way through a nice, passionate make-out session, the guys starts yelling funny things to each other about us, including "How'd you miss that shot? You weren't even watching those cute guys making out!" We try to ignore them and keep going, but it is just too funny and we start laughing.

Our experiences haven't been totally negative, thankfully. But we are also careful to not be careless with our affection in unsafe places.

What sorts of comments have you received? Or do you think PDAs are inappropriate regardless of the genders of the participants?

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The Gay Gym

Okay. You got me. I'll admit it. I go to the gay gym. And I love it.

I know what you're thinking: Why would a self-respecting alterna-queer gay hipster be caught dead in the gay gym? You might be wondering how I even feel comfortable in the locker room, or whether I skip it all together and just walk home in my sweaty gym clothes. Or perhaps you imagine me wearing really bulky sweatshirts to cover my scrawny body so I don't get to intimidated by all the muscle jocks.

Well, my friends, the short answer is: None of the above. I was always picked last in gym class. I was never naked in the high school locker room. And I couldn't hit a baseball to save my life. But somehow I feel perfectly comfortable at the gay gym.

I think I attribute this odd comfort to a variety of things. But the main reason is this.

Gyms are always very sexualized environments. There's the locker room and the showers. Then the hot guys lifting weights, stretching, bending, making fuck-faces in the mirrors... Really, what gay guy can resist? No wonder gays like going to gyms.

But unlike the at the "straight gyms" where any sexual interest must be hidden, where any flirtation must be covert, any glances must be furtive... Unlike the straight gyms, at the gay gym if you want to look a guy you think is hot, you just look at him. If you want to talk to someone and maybe ask him out on a date, you can walk right up to him and start flirting. And if you want to look at dicks in the shower, chances are the owners of those dicks are looking right back at yours.

How liberating! Where else in this country can you find an environment filled with gay men who are collected at that space without the express purpose of getting wasted and hooking up? If you think about it, the gays have two spaces all to themselves: gay bars and gay gyms. Only in those two locations can you find such high concentrations of queers. And unlike at the bars, the gays are at the gyms for a purpose other than sex.

Sure, there are lots of muscle guys at the gay gym, but I see all different types of guys there, too. From super super skinny guys to guys who are so muscular they can't lift their arms over their heads. From jocks to queens, geeks to pretty boys. It's refreshing to see them all when they're not dressed to impress, sweating and quite possibly in pain. Or even humbled by a weight too heavy or a yoga posture too gravity-defying.

Could I be intimidated surrounded by all these hot guys? Well, as I just said, they're all not that hot. And chances are, even the hot ones have low self esteems. But sure, I could be intimidated, but I'm not. Instead, I'm putting myself out there, into one of DC's few true gay social spaces, and I'm getting a pretty good workout while I'm at it.

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An Open Letter to the Homosexual Community on the Use of Word "Ghetto"

This post is TNG's second submitted by Tyrone Hanley, a "homo brother on the outside".

Dear Homosexual community,

As a person who grew up in public housing, aka the “ghetto,” I would like our community, and the heterosexual community alike, to stop using the word “ghetto” to refer to things, people, and places seen as dirty, run-down, or whatever else we may not see as pleasant. In the United States, I feel that the term “ghetto” is typically associated with low income people of color, especially African-Americans Therefore, when the word “ghetto” is used to refer to something that is depreciated, the devaluation of low-income people of color is reinforced. As I hear “that’s ghetto,” I experience another moment in which my family, my childhood home, and my old community are seen as inferior. As a young boy, I felt this everyday.

Many wonderful things come from the “ghetto;” yet, we as a society focus on the negative. Sadly, that is how oppression works. Since dominant society can’t see much else besides the negative in marginalized social groups, our humanity is veiled and our beauty is invisible. Can you imagine someone calling a cherry blossom in full bloom “ghetto?” It just doesn’t seem right, does it?

Now, I know that when folks say “that’s so ghetto” or “she’s ghetto” they may not have an image of a low-income person of color in their head. Just like when heterosexual people say “that’s so gay” in reference to something being seen as “stupid,” “dumb,” or “weird,” I do not believe they always have a femme gay guy in tight clothing walking in DuPont (or should I now say Shaw?). At the same time, I think we need to be aware of how the casual use of these words is possible because of society’s understanding that they mean “inferiority” in some way, shape, or form. These assumptions were born in racism and classism. The phrase “that’s ghetto” must be understood within that social context.

The saying “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” is bullshit. I am sure many of you have been hurt by words. Maybe you have used some to hurt others. Words have meanings, and these meanings shape our perceptions of our realities. If language did not impact us, words like “nigger,” “cunt,” “faggot,” and “spic” would not have their painful place in the hearts of many, including myself.

Please be careful of what you say. I do not mean it in a patronizing, PC type of way. What I mean is to watch what you say by understanding how often we feed into the degradation of others through what comes out of our mouths. Words can be an agent of oppression, and they can, also, be a tool for progressive social change. We homos know that oppression is not cute. I hope you feel that we are simply too cute to oppress others.

Much love and affection,

Tyrone

P.S. For all of those who have said “ghetto” in my presence in the context that I am speaking, I apologize for this passive aggressive approach in addressing my feelings. I am working on the whole assertive thing.

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Questions Gay Men Have About Lesbians

One of the aims of TNG is to connect the gay and lesbian communities and give them a forum to learn about one another. You make this happen with your posts, your comments, and your attendance at our monthly party. Recently, I read an article online that aimed to answer questions that gay men have about lesbians. Two of them bear implications that I can’t answer, so I’m hoping you send us your feedback.

The first question seems to imply that lesbians are better at making and keeping friends than men. Is this true? If so, why? The second question implies that gay men might be too self-centered to care about anything other than their own lives. It also implies that we don’t really want to see each other at our respective clubs.

I have a feeling we will have a lot of anonymous commenters on this one.

From about.com: Gay Life:

Q: What can gay men learn from lesbians?
A: Lesbians really know how to make and keep friends. Many lesbians remain best friends with their ex-lovers!

Q: For the most part, gay men and lesbians get along. But, there are some that refuse to mingle. What's the deal?
Personally, I have many gay male friends. One of the things I've heard lesbians complain about gay men is that while lesbians will fight and stick up for gay men, gay men don't reciprocate. For example, there's many, many lesbians involved in the fight against AIDS, but you rarely see gay men involved in lesbian breast cancer support. That's just one example. Overall, I think lesbians and gay men do tend to get along, but I also think we like our separate space. I love to hang out with the boys in mixed clubs or at mixed events, but when I go to a lesbian club, I just want to hang with my sisters. Could this be the same for gay men?

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Decapitation Vs. Two Heteros Bonking

While I don't put much stock in unscientific polls, one conducted by the parent-oriented video game site whattheyplay.com provides a glimpse into the taste-barometer of Americans. The question: "As a parent, what would you find most offensive in a video game?" Nevermind the barrage of violent, aggressive, and sexist images that permeate the minds of youth from video games (and movies, television, etc.) during key developmental years, American parents are most concerned about heterosexual sexual intercourse. Amazing.

In some ways, this is not too surprising. We are just a year away from the anniversary of the tragedy at Virginia Tech, we are currently involved in a bloody war in Iraq, and we live in a country with one of the highest homocide rates in the industrialized world. Violence is practically an acceptable aspect of our society and thus, it should come as no surprise that we have a higher tolerance for graphic images. GamePolitics.com, a video game consumer watchdog site contends that the findings tie in with the "traditional American view as well as U.S. legal precedents. First Amendment protections, for example, are extended to violent content while sexual material is subject to greater legal scrutiny." It makes you wonder what our country would be like if we were as accepting of sexual expression as we are of violence.

The bright spot: Two men kissing is only slightly more offensive than a graphically severed human head. A sign of progress indeed.

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All of the Things We Think We Need

This post was submitted last week by Stephanie, who you now know is a teacher residing in Columbia Heights. Keep these coming, Steph!

I was hoping to be able to offer a review of the 4/3 Kimya Dawson show; however, I ended up leaving early and it would probably be unfair of me to pass an incomplete judgment. I’ve never been a die-hard fan and the rhythmic monotony of Kimya’s youthful voice was too much for my body, which is still lagging from a sloppy yet fun night at BeBar on Wednesday night. However, one line from the show got me thinking and has been stuck with me since hearing it:

“…While we think that they think they need all of the things we think we need / Like martha stewart shams and sheets and sugar free powdered iced tea / Vanilla coke, lemon pepsi, "Friends" episodes on dvd…”

This particular lyric got big cheers from the audience but I stood silently after its deliverance, not sure whether I could honestly share in the crowd’s disdain of 21st century materialism.

I am a person who genuinely cares about the state of our environment – I have appropriate reusable bags for all the local grocery stores; I am vegan, even though I have a general dislike for animals and all their offensive stenches; and I feel extreme guilt whenever I toss an aluminum or plastic item into a waste basket, particularly when I know it’s mainly because I am too lazy to carry it with me until I can recycle it. In general, I try to live a sustainable lifestyle. However, as I thought about the lyrics above I couldn’t help but check myself and wonder if I really do try hard enough to live sustainably. I thought about all of the things that I think I need and here’s what I came up with: my computer, energy drinks, my "Roseanne" DVD collection, and "Rock Band" for PS3. Surely, Kimya could have written the same lyrics using my must-haves and it would still send the same materialistic and wasteful message.

So now I am asking myself, “Could I possibly eliminate these things from my life?” If I could go 40 days without candy as a young Catholic kid, surely I can go a number of days without these things, but I honestly don’t know if I can seriously commit to giving up any of them for good. I consider my computer a connection to the people I love who are scattered around the world, as well as a 7 lb hub of endless, although not always useful, information; caffeine and taurine simply keep me moving and save the people around me from the wrath of my tired temperament; Roseanne is Roseanne; Rock Band I credit for saving my soul after months of first-year teaching depression and misery and for that I owe it my complete loyalty. Basically, I am not willing to let go of these items no matter how much my support of them helps fuel the raging fire of consumerism that is enveloping our society.

When I acknowledge these selfish thoughts, I feel a guilt similar to the one I feel when tossing my empty energy drink cans into the waste basket. “How,” I think, “can I consider myself any sort of environmentalist when I can’t even give up these seemingly absurd material items?” After several hours of mulling over this, I have finally come to an agreeable resolution for myself: I am going to come up with a list of things I consistently buy, yet know I don’t need; I will give up as many of those things as possible and let myself guiltlessly enjoy the items on my short list.

So, as we all should be thinking about how we can make our lives more sustainable anyway, what are the things you don’t think you could live without? A favorite pomade? Extra plush toilet paper? Seamless underwear? Clinical strength deodorant?

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The Old Gay?

In a comment on yesterday's Finding New Gays in Unlikely Places post, a reader named David voiced the following criticism about our site:

"There's nothing particularly "new" about wearing chucks or listening to ANY of the artists that ya'll [sic] featured on your site. Stop fucking crying about how lame mainstream gay culture is and realize that y'all are just pimping your own tired sub-cultural agenda in some misplaced need to garnish attention and feel cool... I'm just really over people bashing other people's "lifestyle choices." Some of those folks at Town are tickled pink to listen to bad house and wear Diesel jeans. It's as valid a choice as wearing Threadless t-shirts and listening to, like, The Shins.

My aims in co-founding this site was not to sit around and talk shit on guys who have different interests than me. We are not trying to split the world into lame "old gays" and hip "new gays" that dress just the right way and listen to the right music. The New Gay is not a cool kids club for everyone who is "so over" Town. Rather, it exists to create options for those who find that the traditional gay scene doesn't work for them. We have no "agenda" other than to provide a resource for some people that need one. Its really nothing to be threatened by.

Imagine that you live in a town with 10 music venues, but they all cater exclusively to heavy metal bands. You happen to love classical music, but there is no place to see it. You attend heavy metal concerts because its better than sitting home in silence. Your friends say "What's the big deal? Music is music, just be thankful there are any venues at all." However, you may start to notice that, at every one of these heavy metal shows, there is a kid in the very back wearing a Beethoven t-shirt. Wouldn't you be excited about the prospect of working with him to someday bring the symphony orchestra to your town? You would have nothing against the metal heads — rather, you'd just be relieved you weren't the only one with different taste.

I feel as comfortable at most gay clubs as Rachmaninoff would at a Metallica concert, and I'm not a person who simply settles for the best available option. I make no judgement those who are completely satisfied with the existing culture, but I know that there are a lot of people out there like me. People who would do something different if they knew what it was.

So, to quote David, if the guy at Town wearing Diesel jeans and listening to bad techno is 100% happy with his social life, more power to him. However, if that guy is doing all that because he thinks its the only way he can fit in with gay culture and meet other gay people, he should check out this website. We're not saying ins the only way — we're just saying its another way.

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Visit Your Local Black Gay Bar

A couple weeks ago my friend Eric mentioned he wanted to visit black gay bars. Most of my friends know I spent considerable time in black and hispanic gay bars when I first arrived in DC, as I felt more comfortable there prior to my DC cultural assimilation. Coming from south Louisiana, the music, energy, and people of these clubs matched my internal temperature. Unfortunately, I haven’t met many other gay white men who feel the same way.

I played house with a guy for a few years and stopped going to clubs entirely, and never returned to these clubs after reclaiming my singlehood. Many friends voiced interest in accompanying me to Bachelor's Mill or Delta Elite, but no one ever followed through. I didn't want to go a Northeast bar solo, so I didn't go. I figured this latest request would meet the same fate, but happily I was wrong, as my friends took hold of the idea with curious wonder, if not an understandable amount of apprehension that accompanies a departure from your comfort zone.

The evening finally arrived and my party was late for departure, so when the clock struck 11:15 I figured the worst. I called my friends and asked if they would rather check out BeBar, where two from our party had already defected--not so secretly unwilling to risk an unfamiliar adventure. Eric told me he couldn't mentally or physically handle another Saturday night at BeBar, so we set out with two friends to Bachelor's Mill in Southeast, and then Delta Elite in Northeast.

Black gay clubs are probably different from what you are accustomed to if you are a caucasian gay male. Here are a few things you will probably notice:

1) You may see transgendered people or effeminate men at these clubs, but you are more likely to find men who project a masculine image. It's a cultural thing I don't feel prepared to discuss. Maybe one of you want to take a crack at it.
2) Men in these clubs are typically not as affectionate with one another as I've witnessed in predominantly white gay clubs. I've never seen anyone openly derided for affection, but affection always seems proportionally less fequent than stoicism.
3) Sexually, men in these clubs probably don't want anything to do with your white ass. Not all, of course, but it's easy for a white guy to feel like that straight girl at Cobalt. Don’t take it personally.
4) The drinks are STIFF. We’re talking the equivalent of 3 to 1 as measured against the trinity (Town/Cobalt/Apex) yet they cost the same. Almost undrinkable, but they do get you fucked up.
5) Cover is steep. Bachelor’s Mill is $10 on a Saturday night, Delta Elite is $15.
6) There are many black people there. If you are not accustomed to being the only white person in the club, relax. Consider it a good opportunity to understand how they might feel.

Here are the particulars of each club:
Bachelor’s Mill (website)
-Bachelor's Mill is easy to access by metro. I recommend taking the blue line to Eastern Market (as you would go to Remingtons), then walking straight down 8th street past the restaurants and shops, and passing under the bridge. The club is located one block past the bridge, near the marine barracks. You can also get there by walking 5 blocks from Navy Yard.
-You will be scanned for weapons upon entering the club. Don't let this intimidate you. People are friendly, and in over a dozen visits I've never had a problem with anyone.
-The music is well above average. On the main dance floor Friday is non-stop disco and Saturday you can hear (earlier in the evening) soulful remixes of songs from the likes of Marvin Gaye or Angie Stone, with house music taking over after midnight. The smaller dance floor plays hip-hop. Upstairs, the mill has a huge (and much quieter) carpeted lounge the size of BeBar, with ample seating and pool tables.

Delta Elite (Website)
-Delta Elite is also metro accessible, with a metro no more than two blocks from the club, which resides in a strip mall complex. However, I’ve never taken the metro because Delta doesn’t close until 5am. These days it doesn’t get hopping until 2:30-3:00 AM, so the metro isn’t much use. Me and the guys got there an hour too early, so we ended up hanging out at the take-out next door and wolfed down half a fried chicken and a pizza. We had a party right there in the take-out, and it was awesome. It’s also tough to catch a cab in the neighborhood, so either call one or use a car. Considering the strong pours from behind the bar, a designated driver is recommended.
-Why bother with the late start, the difficult directions, and the tranport logistics? The best music in town. Period. I don’t really care for house music, but the upstairs DJ never dissapoints. We didn’t get to dance upstairs while we were there (we were in the basement, where they play hip-hop in a room with a ceiling low enough for a tall man to touch with his palms), but I hear from several sources that the music is still consistently amazing.

We all had one of the best nights of the year thus far, and all want to go back. However, I should mention that the friends who accompanied me were half-Fillipino, Persian, and Chinese-Jamaican, respectively. The two people who bailed on us because they lost their nerve, were white. Fear of a black gay planet? I assure you it isn’t necessary. If you can shelve your fear (from whatever root it has grown), you can have a great time among DC’s vibrant African-American gay community.

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Lurid Digs

This is one of the few "SFW" images available on LuridDigs.com that conveys the pure revulsion that can come from juxtaposing naked men and gaudy flowery interiors.

Jenny's recent post about the sorry state of craigslist w4w personals reminded me of a site I found about a few months ago. Lurid Digs (NSFW). The premise of this site is to expose to the world at large how awful the interior of people's apartments can be. But it does it in an interesting way: via photos downloaded from gay sex websites.

This site shows you the common gay man in his native habitat. And it's not what you'd expect. Rarely are the men hot. And neither are their interiors. In a quick review of the site, you can see a room filled with Wile E. Coyote memorabilia, a bedroom with a mural above the bed of the naked and prone owner, lots and lots of awful wallpaper, napping pets, mad stuffed animals, lots of garbage, and far too many Christmas decorations. Definitely not safe for work, but definitely worth checking out when hanging out with friends drinking in your hopefully not lurid digs.

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Oregon Man is Pregnant...Again.

A friend of mine just sent me this article, from The Advocate, about a still-fertile FTM in Oregon who is in his second trimester of pregnancy. This man is legally married to a woman, but had to carry the baby himself because of his wife's hysterectomy. Beside just being pretty damn cool (male seahorses give birth, and I love seahorses) the article shows some of the ignorance that a person can face by not acting as someone of their gender is supposed to act. This is obviously an extreme case, as very few gay men out there will ever find themselves with child, but is still pretty interesting.

Then again, there are probably those out there who are not so excited about this. What do you all think — progressive step forward or crime against nature?

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What Would You Have Done?

In "Am I My Brother's Keeper," Ben reprinted an ethical query that made me remember a quandary I faced a couple years ago. Mine was no matter of life or death, but I found it to be a sticky situation nonetheless. Here goes:

You'll hear me talk a lot about this, but I occupied a weird role in college as "go-to gay guy" for a lot of my straight friends. They found me to be fairly "straight acting" (a term I hate) and didn't think twice about passing judgement to me on more effeminate men. One night out, two friends of mine — we'll call them Ron and Don — were telling me about their fraternity's upcoming pledge week. Another friend of mine — we'll call him Johnny — was very interested in becoming a brother. Johnny was nice, outgoing and liked by most members of the frat. He loved to drink and smoke pot and was, in most ways, like your average frat boy...with the exception of the fact that he was Gay, with a capital, underlined, hot pink "G".

Ron and Don didn't think he would be a good fit for the brotherhood. Not due to any of their own homophobia, they were quick to warn me, but because they didn't think Johnny would fit in with the rest of the jock assholes. I agreed with them at the time, and backed up their decision because I didn't want to expose Johnny to 3+ years of being the token fag. Was that the right thing to do?

Johnny was a freshman when I was a senior, and we were friends — in various capacities — from the first week of school. Something I liked about him was that he took absolute pride in his flamboyance. He walked around with pink sweatpants tucked into his Uggs, let his curly hair blow around in the wind (he's since buzzed it) and had no problems going to '80s themed frat parties in hot pants and a wide-necked hoodless sweatshirt hanging off his shoulders. It didn't seem put on, the way many people feel obligated to dress when they come out, but just an expression of his natural style.

People accepted him on the surface, but the things they said behind his back were textbook studies in intolerance. Don would spend an hour drinking with him at the lodge, and then think nothing of mocking his "sweetie, do you want a cigarette" to me the next day. The funny thing is this frat had another openly gay pledge. He was fairly flamboyant too (with a taste for pink polos and gold chains) but was also a national swim champion, a position that won him a certain amount of straight-guy clout. So this swimmer allowed them to tell me "we have nothing against gay guys" while openly admitting that that Jonny was too gay to be in their frat.

But I'm really diverging from my main point here. I fully supported Ron and Don's decision not to return Johnny's bid because I didn't think it would be good for anyone if he pledged. However, I still feel like I did the wrong thing in this situation. The true gay rights champion would've given his straight friends the world's severest tongue-lashing, calling them homophobic assholes and saying that someone's sexuality and effeminacy should have nothing to do with their ability to get along with other men. I should've helped Johnny crack the Greek system's pink ceiling, earning all his mouth-breathing brothers respect, Lucas style, until he became their friend and equal.

But we all know that wouldn't have happened. They just would've made of fun of Johnny behind his back or openly mocked him under the guise of brotherly teasing. So I figured he would've been better off as an independant, and that if my friends were clueless enough to openly bring up the issue to me, there was no way a lengthy lecture was going to change their minds.

So, honestly, what would you have done?

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DC Radical Faeries

It's not everything that I want to know about the DC Radical Faeries, but here's a start.

Radical Faeries have always struck me as an interesting bunch. They have a wikipedia entry if you want to learn more about them.

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Us Vs Them?

While I always enjoy getting feedback from TNG readers, I got a letter recently that left me thinking. It was from a man telling us he was relieved to find our website, because he had never felt quite like he fit in with gay culture. That is totally in line with our aims, but he also made a point of stressing that he was an athletic, and rugged, and liked to sit and have beers with friends instead of going to raves with guys dressed in "tight t-shirts and tight jeans."

I don't like going to the big, loud dance clubs either, but here's a question for everybody: How much of the contemporary gay identity is built on pride in what you aren't, not what you are?

Hippies hate preppies, preppies hate hipsters, hipsters hate fratboys, and so on. I could talk for hours about the various stereotypes (and truths behind them) that go into all these social archetypes, but the fact is that they exist because people like to spend time with other people that are like them. That's how herds form.

Right now, though, there is only one herd for gay people to join. Never mind the existence of gay hippies, gay fratboys, etc. They are around, but do not have enough social options available to sequester themselves into their own groups. Hence, my letter writer is bristling at the fact that he has to be lumped in with a social scene that he doesn't enjoy. Letter writer, I'm happy we could show you another way. But is that the entire reason that you made such a point of stressing your masculinity?

How many of you, when you came out to your friends and family, made a point of stressing that you were gay, but not gay "like that." "Like that" can mean a million different things —effeminate, lisping, ineffectual, shrill— but the message is the same: being gay is embarrassing, so you're going to the closest thing to straight that the gay world has ever seen.

But the problem is that, by trying to counteract a set of stereotypes, you just create new ones. By stressing that you are athletic, for instance, you just enforce the stereotype that most gays aren't. You capitalize on someone else's status as an Other to reinforce your own state of fitting in. My biggest problem with gay culture is lack of options. Now that I've found some things to do that don't involve going to Town or Apex, I can let the people that haven't to their own devices. Their behavior has nothing to do with me.

Recently, an older woman that I have a great deal of respect for learned of this site, and our purposes in starting it. Her first response was to ask me "Ok, then, what do you think about musicals?" Now, I happen to really enjoy musical theatre. I performed in it in high school, still go to see it with my parents and keep the soundtrack to "A Chorus Line" on my iPod. But this has nothing to do with my sexuality, just a questionable taste in entertainment. Know who else likes musicals? My dad, and he's been married to a woman for close to 40 years (unless he has something to tell me. If that's the case, Dad, go ahead and leave a comment.)

I hope someday that we can move beyond the point where I'm expected to like musicals because I'm gay, and that if I don't I'm somehow making a statement. Like what you like. Act how you want to act. But remember- you're gay. You suck dick, eat ass and get fucked just like every other gay guy out there. It doesn't matter if you wear flannel or chenille while you're doing it.

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A Message to Our Kids

This is another post by Stephanie, a long-time reader who resides in Columbia Heights, works as a teacher and should definitely keep writing for us.

Some laughed, some put their fingers in their ears and some listened with respectful curiosity. As I sat and watched my students listen to the volunteers who do a weekly health class at my middle school discuss homosexuality, I sat in the back somewhat anxiously and somewhat annoyed, both at my students and at the presenters. I myself have tried numerous times to talk to my kids about accepting and understanding homosexuality, and I felt empathy for the volunteers as they tried to talk through the giggling and as they stumbled for answers to difficult questions like, “Well, isn’t it a sin?” On the other hand, I couldn’t help but become more and more annoyed as the lesson went along without one simple point ever being made: It is normal to be gay.

After spending seven months as a middle school teacher in a school where many students come from zealously religious backgrounds, I have learned one huge social lesson: Getting people not to use gay as an insult (at least in your classroom) is useless if you can’t get people to understand that being gay is normal.

The lesson I listened to (which was to a class of all boys) went something like this: the students were asked to imagine what it would be like to be a young gay boy living in a straight world; they were given the definitions of gay terms; they were shown pictures of random celebrities and asked to decide from their appearance whether or not they were gay; and finally, they listened to the end of the story, in which the young gay boy ends up hating himself, and then asked to answer the question, “How could the boy have prevented this ending?”

Here were the highlights: one boy asking, “Aren’t all girls gay since they like boys?”; the unanimous agreement that Xena Princess Warrior is either a lesbian or a transsexual (“C’mon, look at that bone structure!”); an explanation that “when you call a person ‘faggot’ you are basically saying, ‘Because you’re gay, I want to burn you.’”

Here were some of my thoughts: God, I hate the word lesbian; it sounds so much like alien. I agree, look at that bone structure; furthermore, look at that sword. Are they really showing pictures of men in heavy eye shadow and matching tutus to make a point that you can’t use stereotypes to decide if a person is gay? Geez louise – is that really what you’re saying?

My last thought, however, was about the grand finale question - asking what the little boy could have done differently so that he didn’t end up hating himself. Nothing. No, he couldn’t tell anybody, because the story already explained that he knew his friends and parents don’t like gay people. No, he couldn’t just accept himself, because society as he knew it didn’t accept him. No, he couldn’t just realize that he was normal, because probably no one had ever told him that he is normal.

Let’s stop beating around the bush with our kids: gay people are normal. Once that point has been made, then maybe one day we can take it one step further and tell so many young adolescents what they really need to hear: you might be gay, too, that’s okay and here is some good stuff to know if you are.

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BlackGaySpeak: Sunday Salon

BlackGaySpeak is an organization with a mission to bring black gay men together in local communities to talk and act individually, while sharing thoughts, ideas and information. I attended one of their events last year and left impressed with the members and with what they are trying to do.

We don't have black male readers that I can tell, so its up to you to pass this on to your black friend and let him know TNG is looking out. Details are after the jump.

Black Gay Speak wishes to invite you to a new monthly series, Sunday Salon: A discussion of contemporary moral issues and their impact on the African-American gay community.

Sunday, March 2, 2008, 6:00 p.m. until 8:00 p.m. Beverage and snacks provided.

(Note: As the location is in a private residence, the address will be provided upon receipt of your Rsvp.) To attend, please reply to BlackGaySpeak@hotmail.com. The location address and a contact telephone number will be provided to you. We hope to see you this Sunday evening!

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HALO: Chic Lounge or Racist Hotbed?

I'm reposting this blog from Sept.07 because a couple of readers recently commented on the open thread about the racial divide at HALO. Please keep in mind that this i